Groucho Marx Quotes


I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
A man is as old as the woman he feels.
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
Time wounds all heels.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Anyone who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.
Each day I see many beautiful women that I forget, yet in your case this exception could not be met.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

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