Steven Wright Quotes


You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
Every once in a while I like to stick my head out the window, look up at the sky and smile...for a satellite picture.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep well?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes"
My girlfriend has a Queen-size bed... I have a Court Jester size bed... it's red and green, has bells on it...and the ends curl up.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
I took a lie detector test the other day. No I didn't.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

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